On the Subject of Flirting
by iridescenceoflove
Summary: Natasha takes Steve for a flirting lesson.


"Is there any reason we're doing this, specifically?"

"Yes, as I've said before, it's to improve your skills. I'm not a broken record, Steve."

"That's not exactly an encouraging reason. What if I refuse?"

"First of all, refusing me is not an option. Secondly, I'm pretty sure you'd rather do this than use the three idiots who tried to bid you off through eBay as your test dummies. Though, to be fair, Thor had no clue about what they were actually doing. But Bruce would be all weird and uncomfortable, using J.A.R.V.I.S. would just be creepy, and I'm pretty sure Pepper would say yes to anything because you remind her of a golden retriever. And then Tony will just be insecure for the next month."

"..."

"Got nothing, huh?"

"It was Craigslist. And I am _not_ a golden retriever."

"No, Pepper just stopped them before you could find out about that time."

"Remind me to thank her."

"Already did."

"Hey, how come you get to order food?"

"Rogers, I have to be the one who watches this go down, I have to have something. And it's not like you're starving, you ate a whole rotisserie chicken and mashed potatoes before we left."

"Fast metabolism. And don't sound so depressing. I'm not that big of a failure."

"No, of course you're not."

"Do not patronize me, Romanoff."

"No patronizing here, Captain."

"So how about we talk about next week's—"

"No, no stalling. Awful try. Let me grab my nachos and I'll give you your plan."

"This isn't some mission I need help with. I can do it myself."

"Fine, Big Boy. Go over there and ask her if she fell from heaven."

"I'd lick the Hulk's toes before doing that."

"Mm, kinky. Bruce would be jealous though. Okay, but seriously, we'll give you something less...douchebaggy. Umm, over there. When you see a girl slide in her dollar, offer her your quarter and strike up a conversation with her. Use the tips I've given you."

"That seems extremely presumptuous. If they're already paying for their snack, why the hell would I need to give them a quarter?"

"It's considered smooth these days, Rogers. And trust me, these ditzy women around here often forget change, it's hilarious to watch sometimes."

"And why the hell are you setting me up with a ditzy woman? Not to sound picky, but I kinda _would _like someone with enough smarts, Nat."

"Hey, I doubt this will even hit second base. Let alone first. I'm not too worried. Now, go get 'em, Tiger."

"You can see why I'm so enthusiastic when you have so much faith in me."

"Oh, shut up and quit stalling"

"...I don't have a quarter."

"You're kidding me. You're just as bad as the ditzy women."

"Well, I don't suppose you have a quarter now, do you…"

"I was kinda saving it to bounce off your ass."

"Your privileges are provoked then. Hey, you can't send me out to go flirt in a dirty shirt! Stop it."

"Get your ass over there now, Rogers, or I'll send you flirting in a cheese sauce covered crotch."

"I'm pretty sure there's something kinky about that too."

"_Steve._"

"I'm going, I'm going!"

* * *

"So? What's the verdict? She seemed talkative."

"Yeah, but no date."

"C'mon, Steve! What, did you talk about baseball randomly again?"

"That was once, so you can drop it, Nat. And actually, she knew almost immediately what my intentions were."

"Yet she turned you down. From afar, those were the best results I've seen. What the hell. What's with the shit-eating grin?"

"The reason she turned me down was because, and I quote, 'You're mega hot and all, but it's so not cool to flirt with your girlfriend over there and then try to pick up other girls. I'm all for a fling here and there, but she's hot too, and I'd be willing to hit that, so I don't wanna cause anything."

"..."

"Got nothing, huh."

"I'm flattered she'd be willing to do it with me too."

"Not only did you say that from afar, those were the best results you've seen with me, but another woman assumed I was being a cheat, again. That's another score for me, and enough to keep you off my back for at least a week or two."

"...I don't get this. We're not even in a relationship!"

"Nope, but I flirt enough to make it look like it."

"_Excuse me_? You're not doing all the heavy lifting there, Rogers. I know how to work you. I got game and class. I don't drool over you like Lewis or Foster."

"Really? I beg to differ on that last part, Romanoff."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh huh, I'll have J.A.R.V.I.S. bring up the video when we get back."

"You will do no such thing."

"Only if I get to pick the movie tonight. And you buy me some nachos."

"_Fine_. But you get to pick off the jalapeños. And we're still trying again, next week."

"Whatever you say, Nat. But it'll just be the same thing like this time and the others. Maybe you should just let me come and flirt on my own."

"No way, I don't trust you. You'll either make a complete embarrassment, or just end up...chatting with that elderly man in the mattress firm and not making any progress."

"You don't trust me other girls? Am I sensing jealousy?"

"You're _delusional_."

"It is weird though. You're like a deterrent. I don't have as much luck with you around."

"Nope, you just need to work on it some more."

"I'll just practice on you then."

"..."

"Wait, is this what you meant by 'Everybody needs practice?'"

"Quit smiling like that. Shut up and eat your nachos. We're having dinner in your quarters tonight, and you're cooking."

"Whatever you say, Nat."


End file.
